Why I “stopped” writing.

Hi.

I feel like this is weird of me. To be gone for so long without a reason why. An explanation. Or a heads up, you know? I used to be more in your faces, more “this is a work in progress but I want you guys on this journey with me.” But then somehow, I just disappeared for over a year.

A few people reached out to me over the past year. Absolutely wonderful readers who have over the years dropped comments, cheered me on, and have been there for me. I am super grateful for that.

I deeply apologize for going off without a word. I still don’t know that I am coming back. Or when that would be. Everything seems to out of my control these days, it’s so fucking annoying. But tonight –– around some minutes to 10 pm, after it started to rain seriously in my estate, it occurred to me, “Why tf have you not even given these guys an idea of why you just went off?”

And maybe my frustrations are why I have chosen tonight to say these words. Because I am so fucking frustrated and angry. And then it occurred to me that I have a platform where I can vent and at the same time, be honest. So here we go… kinda.

After I wrote King of the blaze in late December 2021, I was slightly frustrated —— and this may sound fucking arrogant —— I was annoyed that the sales weren’t what I thought they should be. I have made a decent amount of money via E-books sales on Nigerian E-book platforms in the past. I KNOW what my numbers are on a normal day. So to not be doing those numbers at the time just felt somehow. It had somehow happened with The Heiress’ Plaything too.

Honestly, I’d planned to take a short break. To re-route. To see what wasn’t working and to fix it. I remember Sally Dadzie and I spoke lengthily on the phone sometime in 2022 and she’d told me it wasn’t just me. It calmed me a bit.

But then I had this submission that Brittle Paper had accepted and I didn’t want to be writing too much stuff and just wanted to focus on editing and rewrites of the submission — Efun’s Jazz — at the time.

Then came what changed it all. An introduction to a Publisher. The Publisher being thrilled about the work and the possibilities of what it could be as a novel. Or perhaps not. Right now, I think I may have imagined it.

I know publishing isn’t easy. I am aware that publishers want to put out the best possible they can find out there; something they can back up. And that’s absolutely fair. But something about this process has me completely worn out. And it is NOT the fact that I have to do re-writes, or yank pages off. I have been doing that even as an indie E-book author. I rewrite the shit out of my work. This I have been honest about openly in the past.

It is in how everything feels stagnant.

There’s a lot of talk but no do. No movement. Promises that are all in the air and not tangible. What I have been doing for a year is writing and writing and not moving forward with anything. No concrete anything. Unfortunately, because I am so determined to write my ass off and work hard at it, it’s the only thing I can focus on.

For example, I was going back to Black Opal when I heard back from the publisher that what I had initially submitted required more work. Not a big deal, right? Except it’s still at the point of ‘we may or may not even take it AFTER this draft.’ Which means I could be back to the drawing board, get back to them and still hear ‘it needs more work’ without a contract or anything.

And what this does to you is that it zaps your energy and drains the excitement that comes with writing.

I do many things as many of us here. But the only thing that keeps me fueled in my romance witing career is how I LOVE writing it. I love losing myself in the worlds I create.

This entire back and forth has unfortunately zapped all the excitement that I am so worried I’m writing ‘just to get published.’

I’m angry. Very pissed. Because I could have had at least two E-books out there in the past year alone and be wrapped in the warmth you guys always give me. All the energy to keep hearing go back and re-write with no agreement.

It’s why I said I don’t know when I’d return or if I would. What’s the point of writing anyway when I can’t enjoy it? I’ve never done that. I love romance too much to not be into it when I write it otherwise you guys will be able to tell that my heart is not in it.

I’m sorry if this rant is too long. And maybe it’s needless. But I needed you guys to know what was happening. I didn’t abandon you. It’s been tough being away tbh. Many times I tried to see if I could write King of the blaze sequel and finish Black Opal at the same time. But I couldn’t.

So this whole rant is why I am not here anymore. I know it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’d just walk away from this whole back and forth with the publisher and put my shit on E-book platforms. Maybe this isn’t meant to be.

Time will tell. Whatever the case is, I honestly can’t wait till I feel the pulse of excitement again and come back to you guys.

Miss you deep.