Hey guys, I got your messages. God bless you for looking out for me. Working on stuff and would be sharing it all with you soonest. Apologies for my silence. Plus Sally and I are also currently working on a fresh/juicy and new episode of The Darker Berry. So I’d be back with a bang like banger soon. Hehe. You didn’t think my sense of humor had disappeared did you? Haha Kilzes.
Aunty Claudette brought me here because she said she knows Aunty O.
That is what we all call her, ‘Aunty O’. She says she prefers it and we pretend to agree with her.
Even though we know that she calls herself ‘O’ because she has rebranded her entire soul and has refused to call herself her original Edo name.
It is one of those long names that by the time you’re done calling, your tongue becomes twisted and your jaw aches from pronouncing too many consonants.
Aunty O is not yet here. But we are all waiting, all dressed up and waiting for Aunty O to make her grand entrance.
Because you see, Aunty O believes she is one of the arch angels and trumpets should precede her arrival.
I am not saying she believes she is like Christ because that would be blasphemy and I know I am sometimes a Ho and a terrible sinner but I still give Christ His space.
See? I even spelt ‘His’ with a capital ‘H.’
While we are waiting, Aunty Claudette is stuffing herself with the spring rolls and puff puff from the small chops in her hands. She likes to pretend the puff puff isn’t fattening and that her stomach isn’t bulging in the sequined dress she is wearing.
I like to pretend with her.
“O and this her serenren,” Aunty Claudette begins to say, puff puff hindering her from making a coherent statement. “She don’t know the rest of us have house abi?” she hisses and downs the puff puff with a glass of pale liquid. I don’t say anything.
Aunty Claudette and I are here because we need Aunty O to give me a role in her upcoming movie.
Actually, we’re here to celebrate Aunty O’s daughter’s pre-wedding. And the success of her last movie. Something Aunty Claudette and I had varying opinions about on our way to this event.
“They said it is big in Jamaica.”
“But movie critics said it was bad and I heard whispers in the Industry that the money it reportedly made was exaggerated.”
“Don’t let the devil whisper your destiny away, Boma.”
It had been the end of that conversation.
But because Aunty O says she makes money and you become an automatic star when you appear in her movie, I have come to tap into her overflowing Nollywood blessing.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Ms O!” the MC announces. He is one of those Instagram comedians turned MC. Like the others, his ‘jokes’ can only be 15 seconds long no matter how hard he tries to stretch it but he likes to think he’s funny and talented. So, we pretend that he is.
I wish I was like Aunt O though. Her cheeks don’t move because of too much botox. And if I were like her, nobody would know if I was laughing at a joke or simply unmoved, because either way, my expression wouldn’t change.
Oh please don’t act like you don’t agree. It’s like your face being in a permanent…
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